Hotel (Hotel)

 

Never book a hotel room with a shared bathroom.  

Not just in Amsterdam, anywhere.

It may seem like a good idea at the time to save some money, but, be warned, it will come back and bite you.

Because this will be the trip when you get served a dodgy meat/sea food combination platter in some pub in the Leidseplein.   

Washed down with gallons of glühwein.

Which, incidentally, you will never touch, or even dare smell, ever again.

And, after this brutal experience, you will realise, albeit too late, that there are distinct advantages of paying a few extra euros for a private bathroom.  

If only to prevent the entire hotel seeing you in various compromising positions, while at your lowest possible ebb.

Just ask my wife...

So, booking a decent room in a cheap Amsterdam hotel can certainly be hit and miss and, despite the huge entertainment value, I found that the TripAdvisor reviews were not really that helpful. 

Indeed many hotel reviews seem to be written by people who are looking for any old excuse to punch the world in the face.

However, notwithstanding some unique experiences, there are a few common themes with all cheap Amsterdam hotels.

The hotel is invariably an old, well-worn, building tucked away down some dodgy back alley, in an unfashionable quarter of Amsterdam.

And extremely hard to find.

It is always run by a bleach-blond, tattooed, orange-tanned woman of indeterminate age, completely festooned in gold trinkets. 

So, once you have finally found the place, (after battling through the narrow streets crowded with tourists and vicious cyclists, while trying not to be overpowered by the pungent smells of weed) you have to negotiate the hotel check-in process.  

The blond/orange/gold woman will insist on taking your passport, a huge cash deposit and a kidney, on the vague off-chance you might decide to steal something or do a runner.  

It's non-negotiable, and in the case of the kidney, non-refundable.

You are then presented with two options on how to get up to your room:

1. Take the rickety old lift which is about the same size as a dumb waiter and was last serviced in 1952.

2. Climb Mount Everest (a.k.a the hotel stairs). 

It seems that, as there are no hills in the Netherlands, the local hoteliers have built their stairs as crazily steep as possible, so that their foreign guests from mountainous parts wouldn’t get homesick during their stay.* 

How considerate of them.

But if you do decide to climb Everest, (rather than cram yourself and suitcase into the dumb waiter) there are just a couple of things to bear in mind:

You should always make the steep ascent wearing sturdy boots, and, ideally, with accompanying ropes and grappling hooks.

You should carry plenty of Kendal Mint cake when you inevitability come over all weak and faint on the climb.

You should always ensure your will is fully up to date and in order.

Be warned, on the trek, about halfway up, you may come across the odd lonely yak or perhaps a miserable stranded Italian family.  

Don't be alarmed, just check they’re ok. Give them a friendly pat, some Kendal Mint Cake and carry on upwards.

If, by some miracle, you actually survive the climb and reach the summit, you should now expect to spend the next couple of hours stumbling around the upper floors in near darkness trying to find your room.

Finally, on entering, you will see that a cheap hotel room in Amsterdam NL, is in fact, much the same as a cheap hotel room in Amersham UK, with the same basic features.  

As well as offering an uninspiring glimpse of the back of a restaurant next door, the view also comes complete with large collection of bins, stuffed full of rotting food. 

Two staff in chef whites, wearing checked blue and white hats, will appear - exactly when you are about to go to sleep.  They will proceed to have a smoke while talking loudly right under your window. 

There are also the obligatory common cheap hotel room features including:

1. Lumpy bed.  

2. Questionable stains.  

3. Poor lighting to hide aforementioned stains.  

4. Flimsy Cardboard partition with sliding door revealing tiny hand basin with bar of grey soap from the 1920s and a cracked mirror.

5. Lukewarm shower with permanent annoying drip. It’s attached to a cord which, once pulled, sets off an ineffective extractor fan loud enough to wake the dead.

6. A loo. With a shelf. 

“With a what?”  I hear you ask.  

A Shelf.  

And not to put books or a nice display of dried flowers on.  This shelf is actually located inside the loo and is something, incidentally, you probably won't find in an Amersham UK hotel.

Put delicately, this shelf allows the user (if they wish) to have a closer inspection of their business, before flushing away.  

Don’t ask.

It's a Dutch thing.  

However, be warned.  On flushing, there is always the likelihood that something could still err...be left on the shelf.

With a distinct possibility (in a very cheap hotel room) of no brush available to give it a nudge.

Therefore, on reflection, and only if you can promise to avoid the dodgy seafood platters, maybe booking a room with a shared bathroom would perhaps be good idea after all.  

At least then, you can blame any embarrassing bathroom incidents on the strange man in the room next door.

Or on the lonely yak wandering forlornly up and down the hallway outside.

*When a lot of Amsterdam houses were built c1600s, there were much higher costs to build sideways rather than upwards.  Therefore, everyone built upwards - as steeply as possible to maximize living space and minimize cost.