Eet Smakelijk (Eat Tasty)

Ever considered you are taking your warm, wholesome, delicious canteen lunch for granted?

I never gave it much thought. Until I moved to the Netherlands.

Because in all fairness; the Dutch don’t do work lunches. 

Really. 

Although they would beg to differ. 

Take lunch at my work for instance. At the stroke of 12, literally everyone drops everything and decamps en masse to the canteen.  

And in true Orwellian style, if you don’t follow the grazing herd, trust me, you will be noticed. 

Someone will approach your desk and with a stern face, firmly invite you to accompany the lunch crowd downstairs.

Refusal is considered extremely rude.  I tried it once and the look on their face suggested I’d better not attempt it again.  

Or else.

So that’s not an option then.

Therefore I decided to try another approach to get out of this lunch thing.  

Around 5 to 12 I rose silently from my desk.

And then hid in the loo.  

I was sitting there so long that people started knocking on the door asking if I was ok.

By now, the lunch posse had long given up sweeping the floor looking for me and had finally headed off to the canteen.

‘Yes!’ I thought. I’ve given them the slip.

But, on leaving my sanitary sanctuary, much to my surprise, I discovered that they’d stationed a scout by the loo door and he ambushed me as I was sneaking out.  

So they still found me.  The gits.

These Dutch don’t give up that easily, they’re a pretty determined bunch.

I was then unceremoniously frogmarched downstairs to reluctantly join the others.  

Now I’m not particularly antisocial, it’s just that an NL work lunch is just not what I’m used to. 

Compared to a UK company canteen, the NL food is mainly cold and basic.

Comforting cottage pie, smashing sunday roast or a fabulous full English it ain’t.

No sign of a spotted dick anywhere.

Also, a UK lunch is quick, short, and sharp. 

Here in NL, you might as well write off the afternoon productivity-wise as you are unlikely to ever see your desk again - Well at least for most of the afternoon anyway.

Approaching the canteen, I heard the familiar chorus of “Eet smakelijk” as people carrying their food made their way through the throng to an available table.

This because, as is the custom here in the NL, you are obliged to tell everyone and anyone with food and within shouting distance to “eat tasty”.  

It’s a wonder anyone gets any time to eat anything with all these eet smakelijk’s going on.

But what are we eating anyway?

Well, a typical lunch in the Netherlands generally consists of:

Bread

Cheese

Possibly soup

A boiled egg.  Still in the shell. 

Or if you are lucky; Croquettes. (deep fried meat sauce of dubious origin. Delicious).

But these are usually only available on a Friday. That’s when they roll out the big guns.

Whatever is on the menu though will be washed down with karnemelk.(Buttermilk)

It’s simply the Dutch lunchtime beverage of choice. And the Dutch are mad for it.

Definitely an acquired taste. 

But you are not allowed to drink this stuff unless you’ve perfected the shake.

From observation, karnemelk requires shaking in a special way before opening - and every Dutch person I watch with a carton of the stuff in their hand, shakes it the same way.  

To describe it would be a sort of a weird one-handed side to side shake with a roll of the wrist.

A bit like jazz hands.  Ta Daa!

So once lunch had been selected and paid for, I scanned the horizon for a free table and started to move towards it.

On my journey, I walked past approximately 30 seated people.  

All giving and receiving a whole bunch of “eet smakelijks.”

So of course I had to reciprocate.  Eet smakelijk, right back at you.

I finally reached my table and sat down exhausted.

But then I had to share a further five eet smakelijks with my neighbours.

Followed by communal egg peeling and topped off by jazz hands.

Like we were rehearsing a show in Las Vegas.

Then we could eat.

And this is when it started to get messy.  

As a rule, once you have finished your boiled egg and buttermilk, it is polite to wait for your lunch companions to finish before leaving.

But then, before I could leave, someone else sat down at my table.  

Uninvited I might add.

Probably a latecomer who had also just been caught hiding in the loo.

Cue volley of eet smakelijks.

I grunted halfheartedly as I had already said it to the entire table and quite possibly, by now, half of the Netherlands.

I even muttered it to someone passing who was carrying just an empty plate and got a funny look in return.

Anyway, the unwritten rule is, now we had an additional member at the table, we had to stay there until that person has finished their food.

It is rude to leave. Apparently. Which is odd because the Dutch are not necessarily well-known for their politeness, but there you go. 

So I looked at my empty plate and sighed. Wishing the newcomer would stop comically shaking his karnemelk with jazz hands and just get on with it.

Finally, after an age, he was almost done and I was nearly free.

...I started to rise…but then I spotted someone else approaching my table.  

Oh, no please.  Go somewhere else.

I hid my face in desperation but they had already spotted the empty chair.

I groaned inwardly as they made a beeline for my table and plonked themselves down.

“Eet smakelijk!”

Yeah yeah.  Not eat tasty mate, eat bloody quickly. Do you guys know I’ve got a deadline?

Three hours later after the entire Western world had eaten at my table and there was no one left, I was finally permitted to rise from my chair and make my weary way back to my desk and get back to work.

As I walked out of the canteen, I was poked enthusiastically by one of my lunch companions who started pointing to the week menu - excitement across his face. ‘Oh they are serving Croquettes tomorrow. You around for lunch again tomorrow?’ 

I managed a weak smile and decided I was definitely working from home for the foreseeable future.