Direct Dutch (Directe Nederlanders)

The Dutch, at times, can be "bull in a china shop" direct.  

To the point of rudeness.  

But the thing is, on the whole, they don't actually realise they might be causing offence.

So the question is, are non-Dutchies over-sensitive and take offence way too easily?  Or should the Lowlanders watch very carefully what they say?

Or is it just me who needs to grow some elephant skin?!

I was busy at work the other day when a colleague sidled up to me.

"Je bent wat dikker geworden" he muttered softly. 

No accompanying greeting, salutation or acknowledging nod.

He then hung around expectantly. Obviously awaiting an appropriate response.

But my response was a long time in coming as I didn’t have the faintest idea what he’d said. (My level of Dutch language has sadly plateaued to around the linguistic  ability of a five year old).

Instead, I did my usual thing of screwing up my nose and eyes - my customary look when someone talks Dutch to me.  Almost as if my uncomfortable contortions will somehow miraculously make me understand this infernal language.....

Finally, after a Mexican stand-off of epic proportions, my colleague took pity on me and my gurning face.  

He patted his stomach knowingly with an accompanying raised eyebrow and the penny finally dropped.

He was calling me chubby.

Actual translation...

"You've become a little fatter."  

Hmm. Bit rude I thought.

Especially as…

a, we weren’t friends

b, we weren’t even close colleagues 

and c, on closer inspection, he wasn’t exactly beach-ready himself.

So, unsure of what to do next, I checked the man's face carefully for any clues as to how I should respond to this surprising development.

Nothing.  

Deadpan face.  Humourless eyes.  Neutral expression.

I then realise it wasn't a joke, he wasn’t trying to wind me up and he certainly wasn't being nasty.  

He was just being direct, matter-of-fact and Dutch.

(And incorrect too, I might add...)  

The Dutch really don't beat around the bush, they call a spade a spade.  

And an Englishman fat.

It can come as a bit of a shock if you are not used to it.

This Dutch tendency to be very direct is connected to the historical influence of Calvinism in the Netherlands.  

Calvinism determined that people could rid themselves of sinful thoughts through introspection, soberness and total honesty.

Or, in short, they can purge themselves of their sinful thoughts by offending others and receiving a mouth full of abuse back for their troubles. 

A fair exchange?  Well the Dutch obviously think so.

So, instead of showing I was displeased with my factually incorrect distant colleague, I just smiled between gritted teeth and made a mental note to urgently locate my exercise bike - currently hidden under about ten thousand boxes in the attic.

I just cannot imagine something like this happening in a UK workplace.  

Certainly not without HR getting involved.

In a similar situation, an English person might say,  "you’re looking well." or "life is treating you well".

Which still probably translates as "you might need to cut down on the pork life mate, you're getting a bit chubby."  

But maybe it's a little more polite and considerate than my straight-talking Dutch colleague.

Alternatively, of course, you can just think it and not say anything at all.

You can avoid all kinds of trouble by doing that.

My wife went to buy a new bra in Amsterdam after the birth of our second child and was a little bit self-conscious and anxious as she entered the shop.

She nervously told the shop assistant her worries about her physical appearance post-child birth, and was hoping for some reassurance and support from her.

"Well it will never get back to the way it was." came the unexpected reply.

"In fact, it's only going to get worse." 

Absolutely charming.

But again, as with my colleague, there was probably no animosity or deliberate rudeness meant by it.  The Dutch just often say it as it is - albeit with their tactful switch firmly set in the off position.

But if that had happened down your local British high street, it would have least made the local papers.

Possibly even a national.  

Followed by the inevitable bucket loads of compensation claims, tribunals and time off work for emotional distress.

On another occasion, she also had a rather curious response when mentioning she was pregnant to someone.  Instead of a congratulatory word or something, the woman said evenly,

"Every baby takes 7 years off your life." 

Er, great.  Thanks for that.

A few years ago, when we still lived in England, we had Dutch friends over to stay for the weekend.  I'd made up a bed for them and the following morning, had very politely inquired as to how they had slept the previous night.  

"Did you sleep well?” I asked as I served them breakfast at the dining table.

"No" was the rather blunt reply.

After that, I didn't dare ask them if they were enjoying their sausages.

Maybe it's just me, but even if I'd been laying on a bed of nails in a room colder than an arctic wind and kept awake all night by brawling cats, I still would have said that I'd slept very well thank you very much.

It's just polite.  Right?

Which leads neatly onto the next question.

Exactly when should you be polite in the Netherlands?

After four years in the Netherlands, I have deduced that the answer appears to be ’almost never’.  

1. The Dutch are not polite if they can help it.

2. The Dutch are suspicious of politeness to the point of getting irritated by polite people.  (Especially over-polite Englishmen.)

3. The Dutch think it's unnecessary to be excessively polite and consider overly-polite and courteous people as up to no good and who cannot be trusted. 

I am forever being told by my Dutch colleagues to stop being so polite and to stop apologising for everything.   But most of the time, I don’t even know I’m doing it. 

Sorry.

I had yet another of my strange encounters on the road the other day when I very kindly let someone in ahead of me.  

But as I sat there, basking in a warm glow of virtue and anticipating a smile or a wave of grateful acknowledgment, I was astonished to receive a hostile and suspicious glare from the other driver as he momentarily drew level.  

And absolutely no friendly wave.

It was almost as if he was thinking,  "You stupid man.  What did you do that for?   What are you up to you strange fellow?"

And he then drove on after depositing one final backwards glare.

Leaving me somewhat bewildered.

The final story comes from our current neighbour.  My wife got chatting with the man over the back garden fence not long after they had moved in and he began by telling her that they wouldn't be here for the long term as they had a farmhouse to move into.  There was just one small problem, the house already had someone living there.

"But he just won't die and he's not been on solids for a whole year" he reported to my wife breezily. 

"So we just have to wait."